Are you also a fan of long car journeys, facing the road, but also yourself, lost in your thoughts at the same time as in your freedom? But wake up, poor deluded parent, you are no longer alone in your box, and with the children you carry behind you, prepare for a slow descent into hell.
1. Tap the c*n nursery rhyme playlist for 3 hours
And even once the bastard is asleep, when you zap on your radio show or your own playlist, it’s not like the bastard, equipped with his radar, is calling you to put the little patapones back. Anyone who has ever listened to “Once Upon a Little Ship” and its glaucous little cannibal adventures, tranquilou bilou, will understand our distress.
2. Get stuck into all the car games
When the child gets impatient, all diversions are allowed, including of course the countless games to be played in the car. A great classic: so count the red cars. Well, believe it or not, that’s always when all the little displays of their shiny bodies hide and leave the track open for the gray cars. Seriously guys?
3. Hearing your child say “Look at me!” every 5 minutes
In general, the request will be most insistent when you apply yourself to overtake a heavyweight in the middle of a turn. And if by some miracle you manage to turn your head covertly to avoid the impending howls, you’ll observe that yes, it’s funny, yes, the rabbit fluff hangs from the ceiling handle by the ears… Yes, I’ve got that it was upside down, yeah, it’s fun, yeah. On the adrenaline scale, it’s a bit like stepping out of Tom Cruise’s body mission impossible 5 clinging to the outer door of a plane taking off until the poor bugger enters Forrest Gump who had the misfortune to sit on the bench next to Tom Hanks and have to deal with his whole chocolate box story.
4. Make twists to pick up the carpet that has fallen to the ground for the thousandth time
While driving of course. Needless to say, said stuffed animal has found a way to nest right in the blind spot, and you’ll have to buckle your seatbelt and tiptoe on your right foot to retrieve it. And you know what? YOU DO IT ! Because the prospect of spending the rest of the trip with her child in fire alarm mode seems more insurmountable at the moment than being run over by the oncoming truck. And so, who knows? Eventually, you might end up understudying Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 4372!
5. Driving with a small bucket of vomit stuck between the thighs
Yes, it can’t be seen that way, but there is a very positive part of the statement: the child threw up properly as soon as he felt that it was not going well, jump, head in the little beach bucket, it’s nice and flawless, no seat to clean on arrival. Except that he quietly hands you the bucket when he’s done, and that you, the highway obliges, can’t stop until the next rest stop to empty the bucket and kill your nostrils on the road. Now or never to test your apnea performance.
6. Walk past a bloody car accident
It also works with a dead animal in the middle of the road (peace be upon him). It’s time to use your best diversion techniques. Above all, we forget the game with red cars, all concentration must turn to the interior of the cabin. You have the solution, but you won’t admit it. Come on, courage, we’re relaunching the patapons playlist (since the kid had finally dropped the case). “We drew the short straweeeu we drew the short straweeeuuu to find out who, who, who would be eaten, to find out who, who, who would be eaten oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
7. Watch the child eat an old crumb stuck under the seat
And when we say crumbly, it’s to stay soft. In reality, we do not want to know what it is, we saw it vaguely in retro, but we preferred to concentrate on the fissa road. Between the beast crushed in the middle lane, all guts out and your human vacuum stuffing who knows what in OKLM’s mouth while licking his chops, we don’t know what disgusts us more. Someone, please give us the bucket!
8. Hearing the back door open in the middle of the freeway
What? Could it be that you have not remembered to activate the child lock? And first of all, since when did your little baby – out of love, of course, but not cursed – stand up 3 steps without asking you to take him in your arms, since when did he therefore understand the mechanism to open it doorknob, damn it? That thought scares you as much as the scene in Jurassic Park where the velociraptor also manages to open the door. The little geniuses have certainly given themselves the floor.
9. Arguments between siblings regularly occur
It’s not specific to the car ride, but let’s say that in normal times you can shout a good shot and summon your offspring to go and solve their problems among themselves and especially somewhere other than in your ears. When you’re stuck in the car with them, trying to concentrate on not missing the next freeway exit, it’s another delirium. It is also surprising that horror films do not more often set the scene for their camera in a car. One parent, two children. Eternity as the only horizon. GUARANTEED ANGUIS.
10. Hearing your child say he needs to pee
Obviously, you already took a break 20 minutes ago and you planned to drive non-stop for the next two hours. Of course you forced him to go to the bathroom even though he said he didn’t want to. Wait, no, it was you, honey, who went with him, right? But since we tell you that you are completely alone in the car with your child, finally! And meeeeeerrde. It’s the only time you regret the blessed era of diapers. And if not, how high on the WTF scale does it go if we offer him the bucket? Okay, okay, we haven’t said anything. But had to try, right? Nix?
Honestly, given the sacrifice it takes to plan an entire car trip with even a child, wouldn’t you be doing yourself the best service while also doing the planet by choosing the train? We just want to help, wha…